I’d heard this rooster in the neighborhood before, but only when I was outside at daybreak. I even recognized its crow, because I had made fun of it once. It sounded like he was going through puberty, or that someone was strangling him as he crowed (which, incidentally, is exactly what I wanted to be doing). Never before had I heard the rooster from my bed, though, so I figured it must have found its way into my yard somehow. And from the sound of things, it was the patch of yard directly in front of my bedroom window.

The minutes went by and the crows continued, non-stop. I tried turning up the fan for more white noise. I covered my head with my blanket. Then with my pillow. I yelled “shut up!!!” a few times (I’m not very rational when sleep-deprived). Since going back to sleep wasn’t really an option, I began timing the rooster crows like a woman in labor would time contractions, until there was a crow every 3-7 seconds. Non. Stop.

Finally, I gave up and got out of bed. As I was getting ready for work, I walked into the laundry room beside my bedroom, and I heard the crowing even louder. I’d had enough. It was time to shoo this troublemaker off of my property. The only problem was that I couldn’t find him in my yard. There was no rooster anywhere, and worse, his crows were actually quieter outside than they had been inside.

It couldn’t be.

Could it?

I went back inside to the laundry room where the crowing had been loudest, and decided to open up the door to the garage, on the off-chance it might have sneaked in somehow. I turned on the light and peeked around the garage at the boxes and tools and lawn mower, and then chuckled at my silliness in thinking that there might actually be a live a rooster in there. I live in a bustling city, after all, not a trailer park in Kentucky (not that there’s anything wrong with trailer parks in Kentucky. Just sayin’).

Just as I was about to close the garage door, I caught a bit of movement out of the corner of my eye. And there it was. On top of a shelf that stood against the wall of the garage, perched atop my George Foreman Grill, was a rooster.

I guess it got in there when the garage door was open yesterday, and got trapped inside. So, naturally, I did what any good animal rights activist would, and had a little photo shoot rather than freeing it.

Relax, PETA. I freed it five minutes later, after it began hopping around in an agitated manner, as though it was about to attack me.

Do you think the rooster realized the symbolism of his perch of choice? Does he know how many of his kindred have sizzled away beneath the shiny metal lid of that Lean, Mean, Fat-Reducing Grilling Machine? Was the 2 hour crow-fest his way of mourning their loss? Of punishing me for their slaughter? I’ll worry about that later, because I’m exhausted.

By the way, I’ve decided to eat at KFC for lunch today. But only because I’m not exactly sure how to capture and feather a live rooster.

They are the “Crappy Candy Giver Outers.”

Now, maybe these folks were created without taste buds. Maybe they’re trying to save cash, and the gross candy is cheaper. Or maybe they really do believe that they can singlehandedly erase childhood obesity in two hours on October 31st. Whatever the reason, we hate coming across them when we trick-or-treat. The “treats” they pass out head straight to the crap pile, which is reserved for those occasions when mom and dad decide we need to share our Halloween loot with our annoying little cousins/brothers/neighbors (”Oh, for suuuure, mom! I’m happy to share this giant pile of totally awesome candy. Let’s start with the Brach’s cinnamon disks and peppermints. Hard candy is my favorite! I bet Timmy will love it as well. Golly, it’s tough to part with, but, well, I just love to make myself a better human being by sharing!“)

If you fear you may be a “Crappy Candy Giver Outer,” I’m here to help. The following is a list of treats that nobody wants you to toss in their bag on Halloween. Just avoid them, and you’ll be the hero of your neighborhood. You’re welcome.

1. Hard candy – this stuff is really only tasty on those occasions when you’re trapped somewhere that you don’t have access to any other form of sustenance. Somewhere like a really long church service, or a three-hour math class. Otherwise, nobody wants this junk. A good rule of thumb is that if it can be found at the bottom of your mother’s purse on any given day, it will not excite on Halloween. If this is all you have to offer, you might want to consider leaving your porch light off.

2. Dum Dums – A distant cousin of hard candy, I am about as excited by these as I am by saltine crackers. Or calculus exams (not that I ever bothered with classes like calculus). These .0003-ounce drops of hard candy on a stick are not cool. Why do you think banks and doctors offices are always trying to get rid of them? Not even the ones with the mysterious question marks on the wrapper will grab anyone’s attention, and giving these out on Halloween will not win any points with your neighbors.

3. Smarties – This mini stack of candy in cellophane was invented to appease pre-school children whose taste buds haven’t developed enough to realize these things actually blow. Yes, your toddler loves them. But he/she will also eat dirt. Don’t hand out Smarties to anyone over the age of four.

4. Candy corn – I’m convinced these candies were invented accidentally in some sort of candle factory meltdown. Granted, there are a few people in the world who love this stuff. But When a candy’s only three ingredients are wax, sugar, and food coloring, you definitely shouldn’t stick it in my trick-or-treat bag.

5. Gospel tracts – Sigh. Yes, Jesus loves you. And it’s always nice to be reminded. But unless said reminder is attached to a 1-lb. block of imported Swiss chocolate (or maybe an Xbox), your message will probably be rejected. Please, folks. Give Jesus a chance. Don’t turn people off with your piece of paper and a mint when what they crave is chocolate and nougat. WWJD? (Hint- He invented the cocoa bean. And he turned water into wine. Let’s step it up.)

6. Vanilla Tootsie Rolls – These are the “blondies” of the candy world. I have an idea! Let’s take the one delicious thing out of chocolate treats that makes them, well, delicious, and try to convince people it’s still cool. Ew.

7. Anything healthy – Apples? Raisins? Granola bars? You aren’t Jenny Craig, and this is not an episode of the Biggest Loser. It’s Halloween, the one day of the year where it is perfectly acceptable for us to gorge ourselves on junk. Embrace. Then toss out the fruit and give us fat and calories, you ruiners of fun.

8. Sweet Tarts – Just because you make them sour and slightly larger doesn’t mean we aren’t fully aware that these are Smarties in disguise.

9. Snack size anything – “fun size” is fine, since it really helps you pace yourself and provides a greater opportunity for variety (although more “fun” for most would be those king size bars). What is not fine is a candy bar the size of the nucleus of an atom. If more gets stuck in your teeth than you swallow, it is unacceptable. Bigger is better!

10. Baked goods – We appreciate your culinary skills, we really do. But we want CANDY!!! Because a) your cookies/cupcakes are just going to get smooshed in our trick-or-treat bags, and b) our moms won’t let us eat baked goods from a stranger without the aid of an x-ray machine to convince her it hasn’t been injected with razor blades or dirty heroine needles. Or cat hair.

Enjoy your Halloween!